How Does It Feel to Have a Permanent Father?

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Original Photo by: jzlomek

Original Photo by: jzlomek

How Does it Feel to have a Permanent Father? is a letter of a child to his mother who have had multiple failed relationships, hoping for some permanency for a father figure in his life.

Dear Mom,

I remember the first time I asked you about my biological father, your face darkened almost instantaneously, I thought you were going to hit me. Instead you shouted words I cannot totally understand. I heard you say a whole lot of angry words. It took some more years for me to understand that my father disappeared while I was still inside your tummy.

That incident taught me never to ask again. For what seem to be the longest time you acted like you hated all men. One day you came home very happy and introduced Dave to me. You said he was going to be my new father and I was happy as well. Then that happiness turned to violence. He was hitting you and me like there was no tomorrow. Finally you decided to leave him and quiet gloom settled in once again.

The moment Jack knocked on our door, I knew he was going to be my next father. He was a widower who had three children of his own – two girls and one boy. You were happy once again and so was I. I had a ready-made family and even got to share a room with his son. Jack treated me like his own and I couldn’t be happier until that fateful day when you decided to leave him for Adam. I begged you to leave me behind with Jack and his family but you said it wouldn’t be the same anymore, that he wouldn’t treat me right after what you’ve done. It was so unfair. I was just starting to build my life…

And so there was you and I and Adam…the man you said who will be my last father. I don’t exactly know how to place him except that he’s indifferent to me. He is neither good nor bad, just indifferent and probably the farthest picture of a father figure. But at least you seem happy…

May I ask you a question Mom? How does it feel to have a permanent father? You have one who actually worries about you but you don’t seem to care much about him. Your father is ¬†actually the closest I have for a real father but we live far from him. Sometimes I think it would be better if I live with him instead just so I can have a semblance of permanency in my life.

I love you Mom but I’m getting a little tired adjusting to fit into other people’s lives. I am not exactly a child anymore. It must be wonderful to have a real father figure beside me who can guide me to the path of manhood but I have stopped hoping. It just hurts so much to hope and I don’t think I can go through one more.

Your son,

Letter Writer

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Teresa Martinez

A freelance researcher-writer who has continuously been in such field for more than 10 years. Previous to that, her work experiences are in the banking, advertising, and cooperative industries. More of her work in Google+

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3 Responses to “How Does It Feel to Have a Permanent Father?”

  1. franckxethee says:

    Some moms can really be great mothers and fathers since they are put in that position. Father’s though have a lot of things to teach and that I know for the years I have with my father.

  2. jamdaquio says:

    Aw… this is a heartbreaking letter. :'(

  3. It’s Father’s Day tomorrow but I’m sure moms can do both to be a mom and dad. Even though it’s very painful to be in this kind of situation emotionally, I can say that with proper communication and understanding the child will surely understand it.

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